A glimpse into my history with alcohol

I, like many before me, was in denial when I first evaluated my relationship with alcohol. I couldn’t see myself in the rigid archetypes popular media defines as alcoholics; Characters like: Denzel Washington in ‘Flight,’ Bradley Cooper in ‘A Star is Born,’ Emily Blunt in ‘The Girl on the Train,’ images like brown-paper bags or losing my wife and kids — ok maybe not that last one because I don’t have a wife or kids — but you see where I’m going with this.

What I recognized in my relationship with alcohol looked more like this:

• Boasting about my formidable tolerance like a sport
• Taking out the recycling and realizing my alcoholic bottles outnumbered the days of the week
• Occasionally vomiting traces of the poison I consumed that night to make room for a more productive tomorrow
• Being forced to consider this question posed by my therapist after a hazy recount of the weekend: do you think your relationship with alcohol is healthy? The answer, of course, was no.

The desire to control my drinking by moderating my consumption shifted to disappointment/frustration once I realized that willpower alone, or the simple desire to stop drinking, wasn’t enough to sustain my sobriety. I didn’t understand the science behind alcohol’s addictive nature and how many years of heavy drinking impact cognitive functions, specifically damage to the prefrontal cortex: the area of the brain responsible for influencing control, attention, impulses, memory, and cognitive flexibility. Understanding more about how addiction changes the brain helped me stay on track with my sobriety goals.

When I finally stopped drinking, I saw traces of a toxic relationship I stayed in for far too many years. A symbiotic relationship like a parasite, or tapeworm, burrowed deep inside me, weakening my defenses, leaving me deprived and starved for nutritional and spiritual sustenance. In this tapeworm analogy, the host (me) is often unaware they have been compromised, which is the most dangerous part. How can you begin to seek help when you don’t recognize the problem…

If you related to any part of my story, let’s chat. Book a free consultation with me to learn more.

IG: @the.soberbutterfly